Dear Poop Nerd,
I'm shopping around for colonics and I heard there's two kinds of colonics. Are they all the same? There are different prices for different kinds. I'm sorta confused. What's your opinion on how I can chose the best ones for my bloating and constpation?
Not all colonics are the same. You'd think there would be some sort of definition to seperate the two types, but it's like calling every kind of transportation that has wheels a "VEHICLE" --whether it's a limo or a moped.
Here's the break down:
The OPEN SYSTEM Colonic is the MOPED. You lay on this weird shaped basin-like bed and a skinny tube goes into your butt. It's supposed to fill up your colon with water, then you have to push out the poop. I have two words for an open system: "Exhausting" and "EEEEEWWWW!"
I'm the germ-phobic type, so the idea of pushing out waste and having poop-tinged water splashing around gives me the creepy crawlies. First of all, how many people have been pooping in that basin you're butt is aimed at, and how sanitary is that? Forcing out waste aggrivates hemmeroids and can irritate the organ tissues of the colon. The water is high pressure and hard to tolerate. I call this system an "expensive enema". These sessions cost anywhere from $60 to $100 and you're lucky if they clean out more than 6 inches of an organ thats 5 feet long. Sure, you might feel some relief, but it's a rough ride and kinda gross. Sometimes they leave you in the room alone and you operate the water instrument yourself. If you're not a trained professional, it's like body building without a trainer or a spotter. It's a lot of money for minimal results.
The CLOSED SYSTEM COLONIC is the LIMOUSINE. All you do is lay on a nice clean massage table with a sterile tube in your butt. This tube is a one time use disposable, no one but you will experience it. There's no mess or smell or exposed waste. The water gently and comfortably trickles into your large intestine until the whole five feet fills up. (not just the last 5-10 inches like in the open system)
Anything that doesnt belong in your colon, such as excess acid, mucous, plaque (looks like black tar) or parasites will neatly roll out of you into the tube and go through an instrument that transfers it into a pipe that rolls right into the sewer system like a toilet or sink would dispose of waste water. The clean water pumped into your colon NEVER crosses with the waster water passin through the instrument. (the LIMO)
Many times a closed system costs even less than an open system! I'm amazed when I hear the prices these people charge for YOU doing most of the work. Imagine pushing out poop for 45 minutes! Exhausting and gross. You don't even get to read and relax. A closed system colonic is somtimes so relaxing you might even fall asleep and dream about the poop fairy making your tummy all sparkly clean.
Colon hydrotherapy on a closed system can be very rehabiliative if done properly by an experienced well trained, gifted in the healing arts therapist. So if you're calling around about prices ask the place weather they use an open or closed system. I'd hate for you to have a shitty experience--the "bad" kind of shitty, that is.
I highly recommend the closed system over the open system colonic. Why drive yourself on a moped when you can get there in a limo?