Dear Poop Nerd,
I have come to the horrible realization that I have really fowl smelling breath. I began to notice that people I'm talking to politely cover their nose. Whenever I get close to little kids, they run screaming "yukky!!!" and my best friend tells me that my breath smells like ass. Could it literally smell like ass?? As in--is there something evil lurking in my gut that is putrifying inside me? How does this happen? Some people have told me that if you remove all the old gunk from your colon that your breath smells way better and healthier. Is that true? If not, how do I get my mouth smelling more like a meadow of flowers and less like Newark, New Jersey? (Newark smells pretty bad...if you've ever been there)
Dear Potty Mouth,
I'm sorry to hear your breath is so bad it's scaring the kids. The good news is that there is a way to get rid of those offensive fumes. The cause of bad breath is a toxic overload of bacteria. Let's face it, any food particles that haven't made it out of your mouth and gut (the main locations where food enters and exists) will get stinky. The best thing you can do to keep your breath smelling sweet and healthy is by getting your teeth professionally cleaned at the dentist to remove plaque *the nasty smelling stuff out of your mouth and getting a colonic from a qualified professional colon hydrotherapist who can detox your large intestine until all those waste particles that linger in the deep pockets and recesses of your colon are out. Ideally the best thing you can do for yourself to prevent toxic overload (impacted waste that enters into your blood from your colon) is to get a colonic every three months if possible, and get your teeth cleaned. A simple "maintenence" tune up four times a year keeps you healthy and hydrated and not smelling like you've been chewing on dirty gym socks. Sorry to be gross, but strangely enough, the average person has about 12 pounds of old poop particles in their colon. Just because you poop every day, doesn't mean that EVERYTHING came out of you. It's like anything else, there's always a little bit left behind--no pun inteneded. More and more people are noticing they feel better, look better and smell better after removing excess bacteria from their mouth and colon. I also recommend what's called "oil pulling" which is swishing some coconut oil around in your mouth for about ten minutes, then rinse it out before you brush your teeth. And yes, intestinal plaque in your colon can cause bad breath even if your teeth are cleaned.
The Happy Crapper.